バトル・ロワイアル / Batoru Rowaiaru / Battle Royale

Just though I’d share one of my favourite books with y’all. Inspired by my previous blog post.

Battle Royale is Japanese thriller about a group of 42 high school students who are placed on a deserted tropical island to take part in a Military exercise – force the students to kill one other and see who can make it out alive. The last remaining student is free to leave. The government and (oddly) the parents of each student give permission for this exercise. Each student has a collar put around his/her neck which monitors their pulse and their geographical position on the island. They are all given a specific weapon or tool; ranging from machetes, guns and compasses to grenades, cooking pans and binoculars in order to hunt down and kill their classmates. 41 out of the 42 students must die before a specific time or else all the collars around the remaining students’ necks will explode. The island has no airport, there are no boats apart from 4 at the north, south, east and west sides that are owned by the government and will shoot anyone trying to swim to safety and there are no telephones so the students cannot call for help. In short, there is no escape.

The story follows Shuya Nanahara (one of the 42 students) as he experiences his best friends brutally murdering each other, the horror that is the Japanese government and the sudden urge to make important decisions in his life, mainly – telling a girl how he feels.

The book was criticised as violent exploitation when it was first published in Japan in 1999 due to it’s horrifically violent content. The deaths/murders of each student are described in inconsiderable detail. However it went on to become a runaway bestseller. It was later translated into English in 2003.

Here’s an example of such gratuitous detail:

Kazushi swung his nunchucks again. She dodged them by bending back – but the nunchucks followed her instead. Perhaps he’d gotten used to them. This time Kazushi managed to extend his reach.

She felt a sharp thud against the left side of her head.

She began to sway. A warm liquid came flowing from her left nostril.She was on the verge of falling. Kazushi must have looked like he was sure he’d won.

Still swaying, Takako’s pretty, sharply curved eyes squinted. As she fell, she stretched out her long legs and with her might kicked Kazushi’s left knee from the right side. Kazushi let out a painful moan and fell on his left knee. His body floundered and rotated halfway on his knee. Now she saw his back.

Had she tried to take the ice pick, Takako might have lost. But that wasn’t what she did. She leaped onto Kazushi’s back. She clutched onto his head as if riding on his shoulders. Her weight forced him to fall forward.

If a thought occurred to her it was in choosing which fingers she should use. Her index and middle…no…the strongest combination would be her middle finger and thumb. And…Takako had always taken good care of her nails. No matter how many times her team coach Mr. Tada scolded her about them she refused to shorten her nails.

Hanging onto Kazushi, Takako grabbed hold of his hair and tanked his head back. She could tell where they were.

Kazushi must have suddenly realized her intentions. She saw him shut his eyes. It was useless though. Takako’s right middle finger and thumb tore through his eyelids and dug into his eye sockets.

“AIEEEEEEEEEEE!”

Kazushi screamed. He fell on his arms, got up on his knees, dropped his nunchucks, and tried to brush off her hands. His body moved frantically as she tried to get rid of her.

Takako held tightly onto Kazushi and refused to let go. She pushed her fingers in further. Her thumb and middle finger dug in up to their second joints. As she dug in she felt something pop and realized it was his eyeballs. She didn’t expect eye sockets to be this small. Takako didn’t hesitate to bend her sharp fingers inward. Blood and semi-transparent slimy liquid came oozing down his cheeks like weird tears.

“ARRRRGH,” Kazushi cried as he got up and swung his arms around frantically. He tried to pry her right hand loose from his head with both of his hands and pulled at Takako’s hair. Takako leaped off Kazushi, who ended up with what felt like several strands or even a bundle of hair. Well, she couldn’t be worried about that now. She looked for her ice pick and found it. She snatched it up.

Kazushi moaned and swung his arms at the (literally) unseen enemy.Then he fell back on his rear end. His eyes were open, but his eyes were completely immersed in a sea of red. He resembled an albino monkey now. Takako dragged her right leg and limped toward him. She lifted her wounded right leg and stomped down onto his unprotected crotch. The purple striped white track sneaker was not red, soaked with Takako’s own blood. Underneath its sole she felt a squashing sensation as if she were crushing a rodent. “URGH,” Kazushi moaned. He held his crotch and turned on his side, balled up like a fetus. Now Takako began stepping on his throat with her left leg. She put her weight on it. Kazushi reached out, trying to move her foot, hitting it feebly, trying to free himself.

“Hel…” Kazushi uttered. It sounded like a tiny draft of air because his throat had been crushed.

“Help…”
Yeah right, Takako thought. She could tell her mouth was breaking into a grin. She realized she wasn’t angry anymore. She was actually enjoying this. She was sure about it. So what? She never claimed to be Pope John Paul II or the 14 Dalai Lama.

On her knees now, she thrust the ice pick into his mouth (she saw several cavity fillings). His arms which were struggling to pull at her leg suddenly froze. Takako pushed further. It sunk into his throat without much resistance. Kazushi’s entire body, from his chest down to his toes, then went into convulsions as if swimming the submariner. Then it stopped. The albino eyes still remained open, surrounded by a spider’s web patter of gooey blood like running paint.

She felt a sudden surge of pain in her right leg and fell on her back by his head. She was panting now the way she did after doing the 200-metre dash twice for physical tests. She’d won. But she also felt empty. The actual fight might have lasted less than thirty seconds. She wouldn’t have survived a longer fight. In any case…she won. That’s what mattered.

Takako held her blood-soaked right leg as she looked down at the corpse of Kazushi, who resembled a travelling magician attempting to spit out an ice pick from his throat. Now ladies and gentlemen, I shall spit out what I just swallowed…

See what I mean? It even has a subtle sense of humour about it all, not exactly taking itself seriously at times. But that passage isn’t even close to the level of violence that Battle Royale raises to.

The book was later made into a film in the year 2000. It deviated heavily from the book; changing certain characters’ backstories, their location on the island, the weapon they used, how they died, even the bloody island itself. All pointless changes that didn’t need to be made. It’s still a good film though and a good alternative to those who don’t want to read 616 pages.

One of the opening shots of the film: The last remaining survivor to the Battle Royale prior to the one depicted in the book.

The film wasn’t particularly well-made, even though it had a ¥3,110,000,000 budget (approx. $37,000,000). But it was ten years ago (almost 11 now) and times have changed since then.

No, seriously. This happens.

The acting wasn’t great, some of the plot points were over-exaggerated or not explained well enough and the subtitles for foreign releases looked like they were written by blind Yak with a keyboard strapped to its feet. It did however have an excellent soundtrack, a deeper look into the character of Shuya and more bullet-ridden corpses than a Quentin Tarantino script.

One of my favourite posters, ever.

The film is in fact Quentin Tarantino’s favourite film since he became a director in 1992. There at talks of an American remake, but as of right now nobody has bought the rights for it. When/if someone does, I would love for Quentin Tarantino to direct it. As would he.

There are several Manga’s based on the book…

and also a sequel to the film…

It was shit.

Battle Royale is my favourite Japanese film, of any genre, and also my favourite book. I hold both very dear to my heart, especially the book. It would tear me apart if a remake was ever made and it too was shit.

Oh dear God... I'm doomed.

Resident Evil: Afterlife

I loved the first film. It was subtle, dark, claustrophobic, suspenseful and really well made considering the somewhat limited budget. The second film was also really good, branching out into more open environments with a cold-blue look to it. However, the franchise took a blow to the kneecaps with the third film. It didn’t really feel like a Resident Evil film, just your generic zombie film full of clichés. And Alice turned into a Jedi, what the Hell was that all about?

But here we are with the release of the fourth instalment, Afterlife. It’s action-packed, it’s over the top and it’s completely in your face.

Watch out, boys.

First off, as Ray_squared stated in his blog post, the film starts out slow. But not for the first 5-10 minutes. More like the first 2 minutes. There’s actually a very fun action scene around the 3 minute mark that introduces the film perfectly. And starting a film slowly isn’t always necessarily a bad thing. Especially if it’s the fourth part of a franchise. The audience is already familiar with the premise and consequently doesn’t want to see things getting blown up within the first 30 seconds. Unless they’re fucked in the head.

The main cast consists of Milla Jovovich as Alice and 3 characters from the video games – Ali Larter as Claire Redfield, Wentworth Miller as Chris Redfield and Shawn Roberts as Albert Wesker.

Alice don’t need to flashlight… *desperately tries to think of a Chuck Norris inspired “fact” and fails miserably*

Jovovich does a great job as Alice, as usual. All the Jovovich trademarks are there: the gravely voice, the inviting eyes and the sheer amount of badassery as she subdues her foes with ease. Larter also does a fine job as Claire Redfield, but furthermore gets to do a lot more stunts than she did in the third film. And they really pay off.

This. Scene. Is. Awesome.

Finally, Roberts is a fantastic Albert Wesker. Jason O’Mara was great in the third film, but he didn’t really do a lot. Roberts however has a very big fight scene with Claire and Chris Redfield that completely took my breath away, especially with it being in 3D. As Ray_squared mentioned several times, this fight scene is the best scene in the film.

There are several Matrix-esque shots in RE: Afterlife.

One of my only problems with the film is contained rather neatly within one man – Wentworth Miller. He’s a good actor, but I just can’t see him as Chris Redfield. He doesn’t look that much like him, his hairstyle’s all wrong, his head is bigger than his biceps when it should be the other way around and he’s barely in the film apart from the Wesker fight scene. This is just my opinion and I’m sure some people will love him as Chris Redfield, but he just doesn’t do it for me.

According to Ray_squared, the supporting cast are there merely to fill up space. And in a way, he’s right. But one or two of them do have an extra layer of depth than the others. One of them is even slightly significant to the plot. But only slightly. So don’t expect to see that many of them in the next film, just expect to see the majority of them get killed one by one by flesh-eating zombies. Yum.

“Tell me, Mr. Anderson – er, I mean, Redfield…”

I was shocked when I read Ray_squared’s blog post to learn that there were barely any zombies in the film. And now that I have seen it, I can honestly say that he was more or less right. There’s one scene where Alice owns a couple of them and a fight scene between Alice/Claire and The Executioner from Resident Evil 5, but that’s basically it. Although, both of these scenes look amazing in 3D. So it’s not all bad.

The film didn’t feel short to me, in fact it felt like the perfect length; exactly the same as all the other films give or take a few minutes. The pacing was good, the action scenes were fantastic, the acting was solid and the 3D was the best I have ever seen. But my other problem is the ending. It’s somewhat… erm, abrupt. I was sitting there thinking, “Please don’t end, please don’t end, please don’t end, please don’t end…”. And then it did. On one of the biggest cliffhangers imaginable.

This thing got quite an applause when it lumbered onscreen.

There’s a few inconsistencies to be found, e.g. where did The Executioner and the Las Plagas infected come from when they weren’t even mentioned in the other three films?, what are the chances that Claire and Chris Redfield find each other in the middle of a zombie apocalypse at the exact same time?, why was Wesker defeated so easily?, etc. But overall the film was brilliant. Paul W.S. Anderson has not disappointed and assembled a well written, produced, directed, performed, edited, even marketed addition to the Resident Evil franchise. Even if it is a little silly, OTT and in your face.

PS. Wait until after the cast list at the end for a small cameo and a hint of a sequel.

I just died a little inside…

The current deadness of my soul can be summed up in one single film trailer. Do you wanna die inside with me? Then watch the trailer below…

I feel your pain.

Why the Hell are Warner Bros. commissioning this? Why ruin people’s childhood memories?

Here’s something just as bad:

I’m actually at a loss for words right now. I mean just look at the cast lists for these films.

They’re awful.

PS. The ingrowing toenail still hurts, like anyone cares.

“You Can’t Hate George Lucas Anymore”

Yes I can. I’ve hated him ever since he released Attack Of The Clones back in 2002. Not a single thing that he’s done after that has changed my mind and nothing ever will.

But wait! He’s giving half of his money to charity! Now we must worship him again!

That’s right, half of his money, to The Giving Pledge charity owned by Bill Gates and Warren Buffett (whoever he is). I don’t know how much money that would be, but I bet it’s a lot.

This still doesn’t change the fact that he’s disappointed me and countless other Star Wars fans since 2002. Some might even say 1999. But I digress.

Toy Story 3

I won’t bore you with a full length review, there’s plenty of adequate ones scattered around the Internet. So I’ll give you just one word that describes Toy Story 3. And that word is flawless.

Okay, I’ll elaborate on that a bit more. It’s been 11 years since Toy Story 2. I was 7 then, and I was in love with Toy Story. They were my favourite films of all time. But I soon grew out of them because Pixar, rather stupidly, decided not to pursue a 3rd film. Instead they chose to make lame, boring, claptrap and call them “films”.

But now, all I can say is this – Toy Story is back. Everyone and everything you loved from the first 2 films, a good story, great new characters and a phenomenal achievement in animation is now back on the big screen. Plus it makes you bawl your eyes out, which should be Pixar film standard if you ask me. And Toy Story 3 certainly delivers.

Go see it. Go see it now. Don’t even hesitate. Watch it in 3D as well if you can, it makes it just that little bit better.

Kick-Ass / Hit-Girl

This isn’t a review of Kick-Ass, it’s just a brief summary of what I thought of it when I finally got round to watching it last night.

Well I must say, I was surprised with Kick-Ass. In a good way too. I thought it was just gonna be your run-of-the-mill action/comedy with a superhero twist, and a terrible cameo from Nicolas Cage. But I was wrong, so wrong. Kick-Ass is a remarkable achievement of combining classic comic book superhero stories with original, and sometimes charismatic, comedy gold. The cast was strong, the story was well told and Nicolas Cage was actually pretty good. Even if his superhero costume did look suspiciously like Batman’s.

But what I really wanted to talk about was one of the film’s character’s in particular: Hit-Girl.

The character of Kick-Ass isn’t actually anything special. But Hit-Girl truly is kick-ass. At 13 years of age this girl can stab a guy through the chest, cut off someone’s leg, do a few cartwheels and then prong someone through a door with her double-ended staff with blades attached to each end. Imagine Darth Maul from The Phantom Menace but with blades, and without the horns and absurd makeup. This little girl pretty much steals the entire film, which makes it even harder for me to get to my next point: She shouldn’t be this awesome.

First watch this fight scene from the film:

Now tell me, how does a little girl get away with that? And I’m not talking about Hit-Girl, I’m talking about the girl that plays her – Chloë Moretz. I can understand the melee, but the way she butchers those guys like sausages? Not to mention her abhorrent choice of language. Little girls shouldn’t be subjected to that level of violence or language, even if they are just acting.

Now watch this trailer for the film:

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wu7JRsGZjCg]

She’s not just handy with a blade, she’s a fucking master with a pair of guns too. Which begs the question – what is this sort of thing doing to her brain? I’m assuming that she’s old enough to understand that it’s wrong to shoot and butcher people, but that doesn’t make it okay for Hit-Girl to do it. And again, bad language. Is there any need for it? If she was a little older or was a boy it would be okay (for some reason), but since she’s a 13-year-old girl it just seems wrong that she’s able to do this. It’s also going to have a negative impact on Chloë’s career. Any other role that she gets from now on won’t be as good as her portrayal of Hit-Girl, and since she’s so young and not that well known she’ll no doubt end up playing some creepy little girl in another shit horror remake starring Jessica Alba, which is a damn shame.

Hopefully though, Hollywood will recognise Chloë as the capable action/comedy star she truly is. But please, don’t make her swear anymore. It just looks and sounds wrong for a girl her age to talk like that. The last time I saw a little swear like that in a film was in Me, Myself & Irene. “Jump Rope Girl” played by Heather Hodder tells Charlie Baileygates (Jim Carrey) to “fuck off” after he tells her not to skip in the street. It was pretty shocking.

Still, she’s a bloody awesome character. At least there’s that.

Megan Fox marries Derek Reese / Transformers 3 casting

Okay, by “Derek Reese” I actually mean Brian Austin Green who played Derek Reese in Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles (R.I.P). But seriously, wtf? He should be helping John Connor fight the Machines, not gallivanting with a talentless, mercurial whore monger.

This marriage is doomed just like Jonah Hex’s first few weeks of box office ratings and the future box office ratings for Transformers 3 – Rosie Huntington-Whiteley (whoever the fuck she is) is playing the same role Megan Fox did, not a entirely new one.

Nice going Michael Bay. You’ve replaced an orange, fish-lipped banshee with a tangerine, big-nosed harlot. That’s good consistency that is.

No Megan Fox in Transformers 3

It was recently announced that Megan Fox will not be in next Transformers film. You can probably imagine how far over the moon I was when I heard this. Maybe now we can have a decent Transformers film without the camera constantly focusing on that loathsome, vexatious prostitute and actually on some Transformers for a change.

At first I was overjoyed, then I was in hysterics when I found out why she wasn’t going to be in it – Michael Bay thinks she’s too skinny and she refuses to put on weight. Now I’ve never met Megan Fox (thank fuck), so I wouldn’t know, but if she was too skinny then surely she would put on some weight if she wanted to be in the next film. Right? Or she is just a stroppy, argumentative, shit stirring doll? Ah yes, she is. Remember when she compared Michael Bay to Adolf Hitler? And don’t forget what the crew of Revenge Of The Fallen had to say about her.

Come on Michael Bay, you don’t need morbidly inexperienced actors to make a good film. You may as well not even bother replacing her, Transformers 3 would stand up on its own two feet without her.

Finally, a decent film based on a video game!

There hasn’t been a good film based on a video game for 3 years (no, not Hitman). But now we have a new one – Prince Of Persia: The Sands Of Time.

Remaining true to the game’s storyline, good casting, great fight sequences, some excellent (though brief) free running and awesome (though questionable) time travel effects. Yes, it isn’t perfect. But that was to be expected. However, the film has far more good things about it than bad.

I won’t give away any spoilers, because I actually enjoyed this film. I only give away spoilers if a film is shite (see post on May 16th). Anyway, go see it. If you’re a fan of the games or not, you won’t be disappointed.

The “A Nightmare On Elm Street” remake is horrifically funny

I was dragged along to see this remake the other day with two of my friends, who I hadn’t seen for a while so I couldn’t really say no, and I was already dreading it before it had even begun. Namely because the words “Michael” and “Bay” had appeared on the screen. He wasn’t the director, thank God, but I was assuming he’d be just as bad as a producer. Luckily, this rant is not about Michael Bay. This rant is about how hilarious this remake is.

The film started off well with some clever transitions between a character’s dreams and the reality around him. Then I saw Freddy Krueger’s face – he looks like a burn victim, which I do not remember from the original film. Although it turned out that he was a burn victim after some angry parents had set fire to him for abusing their children at a local primary school (again, not in the original), it didn’t change the fact that he looked ridiculous.
Not only did he look ridiculous, but his mannerisms were absurd and somewhat comical.

*SPOILERS*
For example, he kills a dog that belongs to one of the characters. When they discover the dog’s body with Freddy standing over it, his finger blades dripping with blood, Freddy says in a very deep and raspy voice, “I was just petting him.” Later on in the film, Freddy is chasing one of the characters down a narrow corridor which for some reason has its floor transformed into a thick, gooey pool of blood. As they struggle to stay above the surface Freddy says, “How’s this for a wet dream?” By this stage, I was giggling like a schoolgirl on acid.

Not only is Freddy amusing, the constant jump-scenes are cheesy and predictable, the blood is far too over the top and the scenes that are taken from the original are damn near identical. For example; the scene where Freddy sends a helpless girl flying through the air before brutally butchering her on her bed, is clearly done using wires. Watching her bounce of the walls felt like watching Son Of The Mask or Flubber.
Then there’s a scene where one of the characters finds a blog with webcam recordings of someone who is also haunted by Freddy talking about his dreams, when he suddenly falls asleep, lunges forwards and smashes the camera. I literally jumped out of my seat with laughter. I was expecting to see his throat get cut or his head explode, but instead I got a cheap jump-scene that didn’t make sense once it was over – how was the recording uploaded to his blog if he broke the camera and was killed?
*END OF SPOILERS*

Personally I think Samuel Bayer, the director, should stick to the music video industry. This remake doesn’t really provide much hope for him as a film director as it doesn’t give the original any justice. And the writers, Wesley Strick and Eric Heisserer, should be ashamed of themselves. Because I’m sure Wes Craven, the creator of the original franchise, is.