The current deadness of my soul can be summed up in one single film trailer. Do you wanna die inside with me? Then watch the trailer below…
I feel your pain.
Why the Hell are Warner Bros. commissioning this? Why ruin people’s childhood memories?
Here’s something just as bad:
I’m actually at a loss for words right now. I mean just look at the cast lists for these films.
They’re awful.
PS. The ingrowing toenail still hurts, like anyone cares.
The lack of updates/activity is no doubt due to my schizophrenic internet. It keeps turning off and on again whenever it pleases, leaving me very small windows of time to actually get something done. I don’t wanna jinx it but right now, it seems okay. However, it’s been like this for 3 days straight. So there’s obviously something awry. I’ll be contacting my internet provider/phone company momentarily to ask them what the Hell’s going on and threaten to leave them if they won’t do anything about it. The delusive, kniving, swindlers that they are.
In other news, my about page (located at the top of any page on this blog) has been updated with a guestbook. So if any visitors wish to leave feedback, make a request for a review/rant/opinion, or wanna throw abuse at me, they can. Please not that the guestbook will be filtered, so watch what you say.
This isn’t a review of Kick-Ass, it’s just a brief summary of what I thought of it when I finally got round to watching it last night.
Well I must say, I was surprised with Kick-Ass. In a good way too. I thought it was just gonna be your run-of-the-mill action/comedy with a superhero twist, and a terrible cameo from Nicolas Cage. But I was wrong, so wrong. Kick-Ass is a remarkable achievement of combining classic comic book superhero stories with original, and sometimes charismatic, comedy gold. The cast was strong, the story was well told and Nicolas Cage was actually pretty good. Even if his superhero costume did look suspiciously like Batman’s.
But what I really wanted to talk about was one of the film’s character’s in particular: Hit-Girl.
The character of Kick-Ass isn’t actually anything special. But Hit-Girl truly is kick-ass. At 13 years of age this girl can stab a guy through the chest, cut off someone’s leg, do a few cartwheels and then prong someone through a door with her double-ended staff with blades attached to each end. Imagine Darth Maul from The Phantom Menace but with blades, and without the horns and absurd makeup. This little girl pretty much steals the entire film, which makes it even harder for me to get to my next point: She shouldn’t be this awesome.
First watch this fight scene from the film:
Now tell me, how does a little girl get away with that? And I’m not talking about Hit-Girl, I’m talking about the girl that plays her – Chloë Moretz. I can understand the melee, but the way she butchers those guys like sausages? Not to mention her abhorrent choice of language. Little girls shouldn’t be subjected to that level of violence or language, even if they are just acting.
Now watch this trailer for the film:
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wu7JRsGZjCg]
She’s not just handy with a blade, she’s a fucking master with a pair of guns too. Which begs the question – what is this sort of thing doing to her brain? I’m assuming that she’s old enough to understand that it’s wrong to shoot and butcher people, but that doesn’t make it okay for Hit-Girl to do it. And again, bad language. Is there any need for it? If she was a little older or was a boy it would be okay (for some reason), but since she’s a 13-year-old girl it just seems wrong that she’s able to do this. It’s also going to have a negative impact on Chloë’s career. Any other role that she gets from now on won’t be as good as her portrayal of Hit-Girl, and since she’s so young and not that well known she’ll no doubt end up playing some creepy little girl in another shit horror remake starring Jessica Alba, which is a damn shame.
Hopefully though, Hollywood will recognise Chloë as the capable action/comedy star she truly is. But please, don’t make her swear anymore. It just looks and sounds wrong for a girl her age to talk like that. The last time I saw a little swear like that in a film was in Me, Myself & Irene. “Jump Rope Girl” played by Heather Hodder tells Charlie Baileygates (Jim Carrey) to “fuck off” after he tells her not to skip in the street. It was pretty shocking.
Still, she’s a bloody awesome character. At least there’s that.
Okay, by “Derek Reese” I actually mean Brian Austin Green who played Derek Reese in Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles (R.I.P). But seriously, wtf? He should be helping John Connor fight the Machines, not gallivanting with a talentless, mercurial whore monger.
This marriage is doomed just like Jonah Hex’s first few weeks of box office ratings and the future box office ratings for Transformers 3 – Rosie Huntington-Whiteley (whoever the fuck she is) is playing the same role Megan Fox did, not a entirely new one.
Nice going Michael Bay. You’ve replaced an orange, fish-lipped banshee with a tangerine, big-nosed harlot. That’s good consistency that is.
I’ve been holding off on any World Cup related posts, until now. Germany just beat England 4-1 and I am overjoyed. Not because Germany won, but because England lost. Because that means that people will stop talking to me about the World Cup, asking me whether or not I think England will win, what I think about a particular player, blah, blah, blah. I’ve never seen a more boring sport. A bunch of sissy nancy-boys kicking a ball full of air round a field whilst faking injuries and waving to fans playing those God-awful vuvuzelas? Those things sound like seals having it off on crack and the players look like orangutans pumped up with enough testosterone to power Arnold Schwarzenegger’s left arse cheek.
Why can’t England be obsessed with a more intellectual sport? Football lacks the grace of Basketball, the poetry of Baseball, the adrenaline of Tennis, pretty much every sport is better. Except Squash, people that play that should be stoned. It helps, that’s all I’m saying.
At least now I’ll be able to live my life in peace without constantly being haggled about the England Football team. All the chumps that flew to South Africa must feel like right idiots. They flew to South Africa when they no doubt have a perfectly good TV at home, they have the England flag painted on their faces, a vuvuzela in one hand, an England flag in the other, and now they all have to come home. It fills me with joy!
Okay, I was trying desperately not to mention E3. But I have to. Mainly – PlayStation Move and Project Natal, no known as “Kinect”.
We’ll start off with Kinect:
Not only can Microsoft not spell, but they’re basically designing a bastardisation of the Nintendo Wii. The advert is even filmed exactly the same way.
However, Sony aren’t much better. In fact, they’re even worse (for once). Now I’ve already made my opinion of PlayStation Move abundantly clear, so I shall comment on a recent hands-on preview from IGN with SOCOM 4:
Either the controls suck or Greg Miller isn’t that good (I’m hoping it’s the latter). This game doesn’t look very engaging Move-wise. It seems that you just stand there and wave the controllers around like you do on the Wii. SOCOM 4 appears to be nothing more than a 3D rail shooter and Sony should be ashamed of themselves. Although I suppose it is something that they tried to incorporate their motion controls into a proper game, not some juvenile, incorrigible reject from Nintendo’s drawing boards.
See, I’m not always bashing the 360. 
(grow up)
Thank God Microsoft ditched that ridiculous name though. (okay, so I’m a hypocrite! Flame me!)
It was recently announced that Megan Fox will not be in next Transformers film. You can probably imagine how far over the moon I was when I heard this. Maybe now we can have a decent Transformers film without the camera constantly focusing on that loathsome, vexatious prostitute and actually on some Transformers for a change.
At first I was overjoyed, then I was in hysterics when I found out why she wasn’t going to be in it – Michael Bay thinks she’s too skinny and she refuses to put on weight. Now I’ve never met Megan Fox (thank fuck), so I wouldn’t know, but if she was too skinny then surely she would put on some weight if she wanted to be in the next film. Right? Or she is just a stroppy, argumentative, shit stirring doll? Ah yes, she is. Remember when she compared Michael Bay to Adolf Hitler? And don’t forget what the crew of Revenge Of The Fallen had to say about her.
Come on Michael Bay, you don’t need morbidly inexperienced actors to make a good film. You may as well not even bother replacing her, Transformers 3 would stand up on its own two feet without her.
##~~ Comments disabled due to spammers ~~##
I honestly cannot tell the difference.
0:06 – The water and the ship look exactly the same.
0:08 – PS3 version is darker, but that doesn’t mean it’s any better or worse than the 360 version.
0:11 – Identical.
0:13 – Darker on PS3, but identical.
0:20 – Darker on PS3, but identical.
0:23 – Exactly the same (The sky looks different on the PS3 version because it was recorded at a different time of day during the game).
0:28, 0:31, 0:34, 0:37-0:43, 0:44, 0:48-0:54, 0:54, 0:55-1:04, 1:04 & 1:05 – ALL IDENTICAL.
For those who say the 360 version looks better, or vice-versa, then you are obviously blind. I bet you’re one of those people who can’t tell the difference between video quality on a DVD and a Blu-ray. Blu-ray is blatantly better than DVD, and Red Dead: Redemption looks exactly the same on both versions. So stop complaining and play the damn game, like we did in the good old days.
Now, if RDR was released on the PC then that would be a completely different story. *hint hint Rockstar!*
I was dragged along to see this remake the other day with two of my friends, who I hadn’t seen for a while so I couldn’t really say no, and I was already dreading it before it had even begun. Namely because the words “Michael” and “Bay” had appeared on the screen. He wasn’t the director, thank God, but I was assuming he’d be just as bad as a producer. Luckily, this rant is not about Michael Bay. This rant is about how hilarious this remake is.
The film started off well with some clever transitions between a character’s dreams and the reality around him. Then I saw Freddy Krueger’s face – he looks like a burn victim, which I do not remember from the original film. Although it turned out that he was a burn victim after some angry parents had set fire to him for abusing their children at a local primary school (again, not in the original), it didn’t change the fact that he looked ridiculous.
Not only did he look ridiculous, but his mannerisms were absurd and somewhat comical.
*SPOILERS*
For example, he kills a dog that belongs to one of the characters. When they discover the dog’s body with Freddy standing over it, his finger blades dripping with blood, Freddy says in a very deep and raspy voice, “I was just petting him.” Later on in the film, Freddy is chasing one of the characters down a narrow corridor which for some reason has its floor transformed into a thick, gooey pool of blood. As they struggle to stay above the surface Freddy says, “How’s this for a wet dream?” By this stage, I was giggling like a schoolgirl on acid.
Not only is Freddy amusing, the constant jump-scenes are cheesy and predictable, the blood is far too over the top and the scenes that are taken from the original are damn near identical. For example; the scene where Freddy sends a helpless girl flying through the air before brutally butchering her on her bed, is clearly done using wires. Watching her bounce of the walls felt like watching Son Of The Mask or Flubber.
Then there’s a scene where one of the characters finds a blog with webcam recordings of someone who is also haunted by Freddy talking about his dreams, when he suddenly falls asleep, lunges forwards and smashes the camera. I literally jumped out of my seat with laughter. I was expecting to see his throat get cut or his head explode, but instead I got a cheap jump-scene that didn’t make sense once it was over – how was the recording uploaded to his blog if he broke the camera and was killed?
*END OF SPOILERS*
Personally I think Samuel Bayer, the director, should stick to the music video industry. This remake doesn’t really provide much hope for him as a film director as it doesn’t give the original any justice. And the writers, Wesley Strick and Eric Heisserer, should be ashamed of themselves. Because I’m sure Wes Craven, the creator of the original franchise, is.
