PS. Up yours, copyright Nazis.

No, not those kind of Zombies.

In the previous volume we looked at power tools, slings/arrows and firearms. In this volume we will cover explosives, fire, chemical/biological warfare, electrocution and radiation.

This is the final volume in “How to kill a Zombie”.

Explosives

Question: What could be better than hurling a hand grenade at a mass of approaching Zombies? Answer: almost anything. Anti-personnel explosives kill mainly by shrapnel, metal shards tearing through vital organs. As this will not affect Zombies, and the chance of shrapnel penetrating the skull is slim, grenades, bombs, and other explosive tools are inefficient weapons.

These devices should not be completely discounted, though. For blasting through doors, creating instant barricades, or even scattering Zombie mobs, nothing works better than a jar of gunpowder.

Fire

The living dead have no fear of fire. Waving an open flame in a ghoul’s face will do nothing to slow or impede its advance. Zombies who have caught fire will neither notice nor react to the engulfing flames in any way. Too many humans have met with tragedy for failing to understand that fire is no deterrent to Zombies!

As a weapon, however, fire is still humanity’s greatest ally. Complete incineration is the best way to destroy a Zombie once and for all. Burning eliminated not only the body but all traces of the Zombie virus. However, don’t think a flamethrower and several Molotov cocktails are the solution to all your problems. In actual combat, fire can be as deadly a threat as it is a protector.

Flesh – human, undead or otherwise – takes a long time to burn. In the minutes of hours before a blazing Zombie succumbs, it will become a walking – or to be perfectly accurate, a shambling – torch. Several cases have been recorded in which burning ghouls have done more damage, even caused more deaths, than they would have with only their fingernails and teeth.

Fire itself has no loyalty. Consider the flammable nature of your surroundings, the chance of smoke inhalation, the possibility that a blaze will act as a beacon for other Zombies. All these factors must be considered before such a powerful and unpredictable weapon is unleashed. For this reason, fire is mainly considered an attack or flight weapon, and rarely used for static defence.

1. Molotov Cocktails

This term applies to any jar of flammable liquid with a primitive fuse. It is a cheap, effective way to kill multiple Zombies at once. If the situation permits – e.g., fleeing an advancing horde, clearing a fireproof structure, or destroying a flammable structure with multiple Zombies trapped in it – by all means, bombard the ghouls in question until nothing is left but ash.

2. Dousing

The act of dousing consists of simply filling a bucket with flammable liquid (gasoline, kerosene, etc.), throwing it at a Zombie or Zombies, lighting a match, and running. If there is room for escape and no danger of residual fire damage, the only drawback to this method is the close proximity required to fully drench the enemy.

3. Blowtorch

The common torch, which consists of a propane tank attached to a nozzle, has neither the heating power nor the fuel supply to burn through a Zombie skull. But it can be a convenient firestarter if the undead in question have already been soaked in a flammable liquid.

4. The Flamethrower

This weapon, perhaps more than any other, strikes people as the ultimate Zombie eliminator. A jet of flame, two hundred feet long, composed of jellied gasoline, can turn and undead crowd into a wailing funeral pyre. So why not acquire one? Why not forsake all other weapons for this man-made fire-breathing dragon? The answers are as realistic as they are numerous. The flamethrower as developed purely as a military weapon and is no longer in services with the U.S. Army and Marine Corps. It would be difficult to find any model, let alone one that works properly. Acquiring the fuel is even more difficult than the thrower. But assuming you can find both, you must consider its practical use. Why carry seventy pounds of equipment on your back when only a handful of ghouls are loose? A flamethrower’s weight makes it a liability if you are on the move. Unless you are in a fixed position or have access to motorized transport, sheer exhaustion will become as dangerous a threat as the walking dead. Common sense would suggest that a flamethrower’s place on the battlefield is against overwhelming numbers, swarms of undead numbering in the hundreds if not thousands. If such a horde were, heaven forbid, to exist, chances are they would be facing a much larger, well-equipped government force rather than the one private civilian and his trusty (and lets not forget illegal) flamethrower.

Other weapons

Imagination and improvisation are two invaluable assets during clashes with the living dead. By all means, feel free to regard all the materials around you as a cache of potential weapons. But always keep in mind a Zombie’s physiology, and what your homemade device is likely to accomplish.

Chemical Warfare

1. Acid

Apart from fire, sulphuric acid is the best way to completely destroy a Zombie. Implementing it is another matter. If somehow you have the means to acquire or produce large amounts of sulphuric acid, treat it with the same respect you would an incendiary weapon. Not only is this substance as much a danger to yourself as it is to the undead, the time it takes to dissolve Zombie flesh and bone is considerable. Acid should be used as a post-encounter disposal tool rather than a combat weapon.

2. Poison

As there are hundreds of thousands of lethal compounds in this world, it is impossible to discuss them all. Instead, I shall review some of the basic rules that govern the physical and physiological makeup of the undead. Zombies are immune to all types of tranquilizers and irritants such as Mace and tear gas. Any compound designed to halt bodily functions would be equally impotent, as the undead no longer require these functions. Zombies do not suffer from heart attacks, nerve paralysis, suffocation, or any other fatal effects caused by poison.

3. Biological Warfare

Wouldn’t it be poetic to destroy beings infected by a virus with another virus? Unfortunately, this is not an option. Viruses attack only living cells. They have no effect on the dead. The same is true for all types of bacteria. Several laboratory attempts have been made to culture and spread necrotizing facsiitis (a flesh-eating bacterial disease) among captured Zombies. None have proved successful.

4. Electrocution

As the Zombie’s muscular system is basically that of a human, electricity does have the ability to temporarily stun or paralyze its body. Lethal results have been seen only in extreme cases such as power lines used to completely char a Zombie’s brain. This is not a “wonder weapon” – the current that runs through power lines is enough to burn almost any organic matter, living or undead, to a crisp. It requires twice the voltage to stun  Zombie that it does to stun a human, so common taser guns are ineffective. Electricity has been used to create a temporary barrier with water-filled, electrified ditches to keep ghouls paralyzed long enough for a secondary fatal method to be employed. Several such incidents have been recorded over the years.

5. Radiation

Experiments are now being conducted to test the effects of microwaves and other electromagnetic signals on the brains of the undead, on the theory that such a device could generate massive, instant, lethal tumours in a Zombie’s grey matter. Research is still in its early stages, and results have so far been inconclusive. During the only known instance when Zombies came into contact with gamma radiation, ghouls were not only unaffected by radiation that would have killed humans, but they threatened to spread their contamination throughout the province. For the first time, the world glimpsed a new and even deadlier threat: the radioactive Zombie. As much as this sounds like the product of bad 1950s science fiction, it is, or was, a very real and historically significant face. According to records, the radioactive ghouls possessed lay no enhanced abilities or magical powers. The threat they posed lay in the ability to spread deadly radiation to everything and everyone they touched. Even people who drank from a water supply the ghouls had touched died soon afterward from radiation sickness. Fortunately, the outbreak was crushed by the overwhelming power of the Chinese army.

This is the final volume in “How to kill a Zombie”.

Power tools

Popular fiction has shown us the awesome, brutal power of the chainsaw. Its lightning-quick, rotating teeth can easily slice through flesh and bone, making the strength and kill required for manual weapons unnecessary. Its roar might also give the owner a much needed psychological boost – empowerment in a situation where abject terror is a given. How many horror films have you seen in which this industrial killing machine has spelled doom for anyone and anything it touched? In reality, however, chainsaws and similar powered devices rank extremely low on the list of practical Zombie-killing weapons. For starters, their fuel supply is finite. Once drained, they provide as much protection as a hand-held stereo. Carrying extra fuel or power cells leads to the second inherent problem: weight. The average chainsaw weighs ten pounds, compared to a two-pound machete. Why increase the chances of exhaustion? Safety must also be considered. One slip, and the spinning teeth might be slicing through your skull just as easily as your enemy’s. Like any machine, another problem is noise. A chainsaw’s distinctive roar, even if running for just a few seconds, will be enough to broadcast to every Zombie within earshot, “Dinner is served!”

Slings and Arrows

It is a commonly held notion that using non-firearm ballistic such as bows and slingshots are a waste of energy and resources. In most cases, this is true. However, if used properly, such a weapon will enable you to score a kill at long range with little or no sound. What if you’re attempting to escape an infested area, you turn a corner, and a single ghoul blocks your path? It’s too far away for a hand weapon. Before you get close, its moans will betray your position. The crack of a firearm will sound an even louder alarm. What do you do? In cases like these, certain silent weapons may be your only option.

1. The Sling

Made famous from the biblical story of David and Goliath, this weapon has been part of our heritage since prehistoric times. The user places a smooth, round stone in the wider centre of a thin leather strip, grabs both ends, swings it repeatedly in a rapid circle, then releases one end of the strip, loosing the stone at his target. Theoretically, it is possible to dispatch a Zombie with a silent headshot  at just under thirty paces. However, even with months of training, the chances of scoring such a hit are one in ten at best. With no experience, the wielder would be better off just throwing stones.

2. The Slingshot

A descendant of the leather strap, the modern slingshot has at least ten time the accuracy of its ancestor, the sling. What it lacks is punch. Small projectiles fired from a modern slingshot simply do not have the force, even the minimum range, to penetrate a Zombie’s skull. Using this weapon might serve only to alert a ghoul to your presence.

3. The Blowgun

(No racial insensitivity intended)

Given that poison has no effect on the undead, discount this weapon entirely.

4. Shuriken

These small, multipoint devices were used in feudal Japan to pierce a human skull. In appearance they resemble a steel, two-dimensional replica of a shining star, hence their nickname, “throwing stars.” In expert hands, they could easily bring down a Zombie. However, as with many weapons discussed, the throwing star requires great expertise. Unless you are the one of the few masters of this art (only a handful can still claim this title), refrain from such an exotic method.

5. Throwing knives

As with Shuriken, these short-range weapons require weeks of practice to hit something as large as a human body and months to hit something as small as a human head. Only a dedicated expert could even hope for a reliable Zombie kill. The time and energy spent training could be much more productive if applied to a conventional weapon. Remember, you have a variety of skills to learn, and not all the time in the world to learn them. Don’t waste those valuable hours attempting to master a third-rate weapon.

6. The Long or Compound Bow

To be blunt, hitting a Zombie through the head with an arrow is an extremely difficult feat. Even with compound bows and modern sights, only experienced archers have a chance of making a direct shot. The only practical use for this weapon is the delivery of incendiary arrows. For starting fires silently, at long distance, nothing works better than a flaming arrow. This manner of attack can, and has, been used to set undead individuals on fire. The targeted Zombie will not know enough to pull the arrow from its body and might, given the right circumstances, burn other ghouls before succumbing to the flames. Further use of fire will be covered the in the next volume of this guide.

7. The Crossbow

If Van Helsing has ever taught us anything, its that the power and accuracy of a modern crossbow can send a “bolt” (crossbow arrow) clean through an assailant’s skull at over a quarter mile. Small wonder it has been dubbed “the perfect silent killer.” Marksmanship is important, but no more so than with a rifle. Reloading requires time and strength, but this should be unnecessary. The crossbow is a sniper’s weapon, not a crowd-stopper. Use only against one Zombie. Any more, and you might find yourself grabbed and mauled before you have time to load another bolt. As for bolts, either triangular or bullet-shape will suffice. For increased accuracy, a telescopic sight should be added. Unfortunately, the size and weight of any good crossbow will make it the primary weapon. Therefore, choose one only when the situation permits, such as travelling in a group, defending your home, or when no silenced firearms are available.

8. The Hand Bow

Smaller, one-handed crossbows can serve as a complement to your primary weapon. Carrying one means that a compact, silent weapon will always be on hand if needed. In comparison to the large crossbow, hand bows have inferior accuracy, power and range. Using one means getting closer to the target. This increases not only the danger but the risk of detection, which, in turn, negates the need for a silent weapon. Use the hand bow carefully, and sparingly.

Firearms

Of all the weapons discussed in this guide, nothing is more important than your primary firearm. Keep it cleaned, keep it oiled, keep it loaded, keep it close. With a cool head, steady hand, and plenty of ammunition, one human is more than a match for an army of Zombies.

Choosing a firearm must be an exact science, with every variable considered. What is your primary goal: defence, attack, or flight? How big an infection are you facing? How many people, if any, are in your group? What environment is your battleground? Different firearms serve different functions. Almost none serve all. Selecting the perfect tools means dispelling conventional doctrines of warfare that have worked so well against our fellow humans. Sadly, we know all too well how to kill each other. Killing Zombies – that’s another story.

1. The Heavy Machine Gun

Since World War I, this invention has revolutionised human conflict. Its mechanism allows a storm of lead to be discharged in seconds. These tactics may be invaluable on the human battlefield but are a feckless waste against the living dead. Remember, you are going for a headshot: one bullet, precisely placed. As the machine gun is designed for saturation fire, it may take hundreds, even thousands of rounds for one, randomly lethal shot. Even aiming the machine gun as a rifle (a tactic used by U.S. special forces) is a losing proposition. Why hit a Zombie with a well-aimed five-round burst when one well-aimed rifle shot produces the same result? In the 1970s, one school of thought favoured the “scythe theory”: If a machine gun is placed at the head level of an undead crowd, it could mow them down with one long burst. This argument has been debunked – ghouls, like the humans they used to be, are not all the same height. Even if some are destroyed, at least half will survive to close on your position. But what about the massive body damage caused by these weapons? Won’t a machine gun have enough punch to rip a body in half, and doesn’t that negate the need for a headshot? Yes and no. The standard 5.56-millimetre round used by the U.S. Army SAW (Squad Automatic Weapon) does have the ability to snap a human spine, sever limbs, or yes, tear a Zombie’s form in two. This, however, does not mean a headshot is unnecessary. For one, the chance of dismembering a Zombie in is slight and therefore requires large amounts of ammunition. For another, unless the brain is destroyed, the Zombie itself is still alive – crippled, yes, perhaps even immobile, but still alive. Why give yourself the unnecessary need of having finish off a mass of writhing and potentially dangerous body parts?

2. The Submachine Gun

The problem presented by this weapon is similar to that of the heavy machine gun; ammo expended versus living dead dispatched. However, when fighting in right quarters, the submachine gun finds its niche. The short barrel makes it easy to handle than a rifle, but the folding stock gives it much more support than a pistol. Always be sure to keep it on the single-shot setting. As previously discussed, full-auto is simply a waste of ammo. Also, be sure to aim from the shoulder. Shooting  from the hip will produce nothing more than a loud noise and a clean miss. One disadvantage is poor accuracy at long range. Because the submachine gun was designed as a close-combat weapon, you will have to get much closer to a Zombie than if you were carrying a rifle or assault weapon. This would normally not be a problem except that submachine guns, like all auto and semi-automatic weapons, you may be putting yourself at unnecessary risk. This is the only reason to discount the submachine gun as your primary weapon.

3. The Assault Rifle

This weapon was invented originally to bridge the gap between the rifle and submachine gun, offering both range and rapid fire. Wouldn’t these traits make it ideal against the undead? Not really. Although range and accuracy are needed, rapid fire, as we’ve seen, is not. Even though an assault rifle can be set for semi-automatic, just like a submachine gun, the temptation to go full auto still exists, as it does with a submachine gun. When fighting for your life, it may simply be too easy to flip the switch to “rock ‘n’ roll”, no matter how wasteful and useless this might be. If you do choose an assault rifle as your primary weapon, keep in mind the basic questions that apply to all firearms: What is its range? What is its accuracy? Is the appropriate ammunition readily available? How easy is it to clean and maintain?

To answer some of these questions, it is best to examine two extreme examples. The U.S. Army M16A1 is considered by many to be the worst assault rifle ever invented. Its overcomplicated mechanism is both difficult to clean and prone to jamming. Adjusting the sight, something that must be done every time a target shifts its range, requires the use of a nail, ballpoint pen, or similar device. What if you didn’t have one, or lost it as several dozen Zombies shambled steadily toward you? The delicate plastic stock of the M16A1 obviates bayonet use, and by attempting to use it as such you would risk shattering the hollow, spring-loaded stock. This is a critical flaw. If you were confronted by multiple ghouls and your A1 jammed, you would be unable to use it as a last-ditch hand-to-hand weapon. In the 1960s, the M16 (originally the AR-15) was designed for Air Force base security. For political reasons typical of the military-industrial complex (you buy my weapon, you get my vote and my campaign contribution), it was adopted as the principal infantry weapon for the U.S. Arm. So poor was its early battle record that during the Vietnam War, communist guerrillas refused to take them from dead Americans. The newer M16A2, although somewhat of an improvement, is still regarded as a second-class weapon. If given the choice, emulate the Vietcong and ignore the M16 entirely.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, the Soviet AK-47 is considered the best assault rifle ever made. Although heavier than the M16 (10.58 pounds versus 7 pounds) and possessing a considerably harder kick (I fired one myself at a firing range once on holiday to Vietnam, it nearly knocked me off my feet), this weapon is famous for its rugged efficiency and sturdy construction. The Vietcong used it during the previously mentioned Vietnam War, which, along with their guerrilla tactics, is no doubt the reason why they defeated the U.S. Its wide, spacious firing mechanism prevents jamming from dirt or sand. In hand-t0-hand combat, you could either stab a Zombie through the eye socket with the weapon’s bayonet or use the solid, steel-backed wooden stock to smash through a Zombie’s skull. If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, then several nations have chosen to flatter the AK with either direct copies (Chinese Type 56) or modified designs (Israeli Galil). Again, although the assault rifle is not ideal for defence against the living dead, a member of the AK-47 family will be your best bet.

4. The Bolt-/Lever-Action Rifle

A product of the mid-nineteenth century, these weapons are often regarded as obsolete. Why use a hunting rifle when you can own a submachine gun? Such arrogance is simply unwarranted – A well made, expertly used bolt- or lever-action rifle offers a defence against the living dead that is as good if not better than the latest military hardware. A rifle’s single-shot capacity forces the user to make each round count, increasing the chance of a hit. This feature also eliminates even the possibility of “rock’n’ rolling,” and therefore preserving ammunition whether the user intends to or not. A third reason is the relative easiness to clean and operate a rifle, something that must not be overlooked. Hunting rifles are designed for a civilian market. Manufacturers know that if they are too complex, sales will plummet. A fourth and final reason is ready availability of ammunition. As there are more civilian gun shops than military armories in the United States (a pattern not shared by the rest of the world), Americans will find it easier to obtain ammunition for a hunting rifle than an assault weapon or submachine gun. If you live outside the U.S., then you may want to look elsewhere.

When choosing a bolt- or lever-action rifle, try to find an older, military version if possible. This does not mean that civilian models are inferior models – quite the opposite – but almost all military bolt- or lever-action rifles were designed for use in hand-to-hand combat. Make sure you take the time to study the use of a rifle for this purpose. Simply swinging it like a club would destroy any weapon, military and civilian alike. Manuals are available that explain how to use a rifle as a bludgeon. Even old war films can demonstrate how deadly these weapons are without firing a shot. Examples of bolt-action military rifles are the U.S. Springfield, the British Lee Enfield, and the German Mauser Kar 98k. Many of these still exist, some in good working order. Before choosing, however, make sure the appropriate ammunition is in ready supply. Having an impressive, bolt-action military rifle will do no good if the only rounds available fit civilian models.

5. The Semi-automatic Rifle

Since its debut, this weapon has shown itself to be a superior Zombie killer. Given the possibility of wasting ammunition (a round is expended every time the trigger is pulled), a fair amount of discipline is required. However, this option can be a blessing when engaging multiple targets. For close combat or for people on the run, the semi-automatic carbine serves the same function as the larger model. Although possessing half the range, the carbine tends to be lighter and easier to carry, and uses smaller ammunition. Either type will serve you well, depending on the situation. When choosing a semi-automatic weapon, the World War II M1 Garand or M1 Carbine are, in many ways, superior to contemporary weapons. This may be surprising, but  these older military weapons were designed to survive the greatest conflict in history. Not only did they meet this task admirably, but the Garand remained the U.S. Army’s main rifle through the Korean conflict, while the Carbine saw action up until the first years of Vietnam. Another advantage of the M1 Garand is its secondary role as a hand-to-hand weapon (in WWII, bayonet use was still considered a vital part of combat). Although no longer in production, many Garands still remain on the market with ammunition widely available. The M1 Carbine is, amazingly, still in production. Its light weight and short muzzle perfectly suit this weapon to indoor combat or long journeys on foot. Other, more modern choices include the Ruger Mini-30, Ruger Mini-14, and the Chinese Type 56 (a copy of the Soviet SKS carbine, not to be confused with the assault rifle of the same name). If discipline can be maintained, you will not find a better weapon than the semi-automatic rifle.

6. The Shotgun

At close range against human attackers, this weapon reigns supreme. Against the living dead, this is not entirely true, regardless of what we see in films and video games. A good twelve-gauge shotgun can literally blow a Zombie’s head off. However, the longer the range, the greater the pellet dispersal pattern, and the lesser chance of skull penetration. A solid slug would have the same effect as a rifle, even at greater range (provided the barrel is long enough), but in that case, why not just use a rifle? What shotguns do possess is stopping power. The scattering shot acts as a solid wall, whereas a rifle bullet might pass clean through or miss the target altogether. If you are cornered, or on the run, and need time to escape, a good shotgun blast can send several Zombies sprawling. The downside of a shotgun is that the large, twelve-gauge shells are bulky and therefore burdensome when travelling and leave less room for other equipment. This must be considered if a long journey is required.

7. The Pistol

Americans have a special relationship with handguns. They seem to appear in every film, every TB show, every popular novel, every comic book. Our heroes have always carried them, from the Old West lawman to the gritty urban cop. Gangsters rap about them; liberals and conservatives fight over them. Parents shelter children from them and manufacturers make untold fortunes from them. Possibly more than the automobile, the handgun is synonymous with America. But how useful is this cultural icon against a swarm of newly risen flesh-eaters? In truth, not very. Unlike our fictional heroes, the average person may have difficulty hitting anything, let alone something as small and mobile as a Zombie’s head. Throw in the obvious emotional strain of undead combat, and the possibility of a successful shot ranks one step about negotiating with your attacker. Studies have show that of all wasted ballistic wounds – e.g., those that struck a Zombie in a non-lethal way – 73 percent came from some type of handgun. A laser sight increases the odds of accurate aim but does nothing to steady a shaky wrist. Where handguns do come in handy is in extreme circumstances. IF you are grabbed by a Zombie, a pistol can be a life-saver. Pressing its muzzle against the undead temple and squeezing the trigger takes no skill and ensures a positive kill. The fact that handguns are small, light and easy to carry make them attractive as a secondary weapon for any scenario. If your primary weapon is a carbine, this adds the possibility of shared ammo and lighter load. For these reasons, a pistol should always be carried when confronting ghouls, but as a backup only. Never forget that many dismembered, half-eaten corpses have been discovered with these wonder weapons still clutched in their cold, dead hands.

Accessories

Silencers

Silencers, if attainable, can be a vital attachment to your firearm. Their ability to muffle noise obviates the need for a bow, sling, or other non-ballistic weapon (essential if on the move). A telescopic sight can increase aim immeasurably, especially for long-range sniper attacks. Laser sights, on the surface, may be your best bet. After all, how hard is it to place a red dot on a ghoul’s forehead? The disadvantage is limited battery life. The same goes for night-vision scopes. Although they allow for accurate, long-range hits on Zombies after dark, they become nothing more than useless black tubes when the power runs out. Conventional glass or metal sights are the preferable accessory. They may not be fancy, and they may lack the cachet of electronics, but these basic instruments will never let you down.

In the next volume I shall cover explosives, fire, chemical/biological warfare, electrocution and radiation.

Best weapons to use against the undead.

Choosing the right weapons (never carry just one) can make the difference between a pile of dead Zombies and becoming one yourself. When confronted with the undead, it is easy to believe in the super-commando strategy: Load up with the heaviest, most powerful weapons possible and go out to “kick ass”. This is not only foolish – it is suicidal. Zombies are not camp guards in some POW escape movie, crumbling en masse with the first theatrical volley. Arming yourself for a Zombie encounter requires careful consideration, a cool head, and a practical analysis of all factors involved.

In this guide, I will cover the basic close-combat weapons and will gradually build my way up to guns, explosives and even environmental, technological and scientific methods of killing. The guide will be divided up into multiple volumes.

Close combat

Hand-to-hand combat should almost always be avoided. Given a Zombie’s lack of speed, it is much easier to run (or walk quickly) than stand and fight. However, it may be necessary to destroy a Zombie at close quarters. When this happens, split-second timing is crucial. A wrong move, a moment’s hesitation, and you may feel cold hands gripping you arm, or sharp, broken teeth biting into your flesh. For this reason above all, choosing a close-combat weapon is more important than any other in this section.

1. Bludgeons

When using a blunt weapon, the goal is to crush the brain (remember, the only way to kill a Zombie is by destroying its brain). This is not as easy as it sounds. The human skull is one of the hardest, most durable surfaces in nature. So, of course, is the Zombie’s. Extreme force is needed to fracture, let alone shatter it. However, this must be done, and done with a single, well-placed blow. Missing your target or failing to breach the bone will leave you with no second chance.

Sticks, axe handles, and other wooden clubs are good for knocking a Zombie out of the way or beating off an individual attack. What they lack is the weight and strength necessary for a lethal strike. A section of lead pipe will work for a single encounter but is too heavy for those one the move. A sledgehammer has the same drawback and also requires practice for its user to hit a moving target. Aluminium bats are light enough to work for one, maybe two fights but are known to bend after prolonged use. The standard, one-handed carpenter’s hammer has striking power but severely limited reach. It allows a Zombie to grab your arm and pull it in. The police baton, made of acetate plastic (in most cases), is strong enough for any battle but lacks the lethal power for a none-blow kill. (Note: This was intended in its design.)

The best bludgeon is a steel crowbar. Used by our good friend Gordon Freeman, its relatively lightweight and durable construction makes it ideal for prolonged close combat. Its curved, semi-sharpened edge also allows for a stabbing motion through the eye socket, directly into the brain case. More than one survivor has reported killing Zombies in this manner.

Another benefit of the crowbar is that it may be necessary to pry open a door, shift a heavy object, or perform other tasks for which it was originally designed. None of these functions can be accomplished with any of the previously mentioned items. Even lighter and more durable than the steel crowbar is the titanium model, now trickling into Western markets from Eastern Europe and the former Soviet Union.

2. Edged weapons

Blades, in any form, have advantages and disadvantages over bludgeons. Those that have enough strength to split the skull rarely stand up after many repetitions. For this reason, slicing, particularly decapitation, serves almost the same function as a head blow. (Note: The severed head of a Zombie is still able to bit and must be regarded as a threat.) The advantage of slicing over bludgeoning is that it can make killing a Zombie unnecessary. In some cases, simply chopping off a limb or severing the spine is enough to disable an undead assailant. (Note: Severing a limb also brings the possibility of contact with the virus through the exposed area – be careful.)

The civilian fire axe can easily crush a Zombie’s skull, smashing through bone and brain in one swing. Decapitation is equally easy, which is why the axe has been the favoured tool for executioners for centuries. Connecting with a moving head however, might be difficult. Furthermore, if the swing ends in a total miss, you might be taken off balance.

The smaller, one-handed hatchet is a good weapon of last resort. If you find yourself cornered, and larger weapons are useless, a hatchet blow will more than take care of an attacker.

The sword is the ideal edged weapon, but not every kind will suffice. Foils, rapiers, and similar fencing weapons are not suited for slicing. Their only possible use would be a direct stab through the eye socket followed by a quick swirling action through the brain. This motion, however, has been accomplished only once, by a trained swordsman, and is therefore not recommended.

Sing-handed long swords allow you a free hand for other tasks such as opening a door or defending your body with a shield. Their only drawback is the lack of swinging power. One arm may not have the strength to slice through the thick cartilage between bones. Another drawback is its user’s notorious lack of accuracy. Scoring a flesh wound anywhere on the body of a living opponent is one thing. Making an exact, clean chop through the neck is something else altogether.

Double-handed swords could be considered the best in their class, providing the strength and accuracy for perfect decapitation. Of this type, the Japanese Samurai Katana ranks first. Its weight (three to five pounds) is perfect for long-term conflicts, and its blade can sever the toughest organic fibre.

In tight quarters, shorter blades hold the advantage. The Roman Gladius is one choice, although combat-ready replicas are hard to find. The Japanese Ninjite boasts a two-handed grip and, in genuine models, renowned tempered steel. Both factors make it a superior weapon.

The common machete, because of its size, weight, and availability, is probably your best choice. If possible, find the military type usually sold at Arm surplus stores. Its steel tends to be of a higher quality, and its blackened blade helps concealment at night.

Knives are always useful, serving a variety of functions in a range of situations. Unlike a hatchet, they can kill a Zombie only when the blade is stabbed through the temple, eye socket, or base of the skull. On the flip side, knives almost always weigh less than hatchets and, therefore, are better if you are on the move. When choosing a knife, make sure the blade is no more than six inches long and always smooth. Avoid serrated knives and saw-blade combinations found in survival guides, as they tend to become lodged in their victims. Imagine yourself stabbing one Zombie through the temple and turning to engage the other three ghouls but not being able to retrieve your blade. (Oops!)

A variety of other hand weapons exist around the world. If you discover an implement or tool that you think might make a good weapon, ask yourself these questions:

1. Can it crush a skull in one blow?
2. If not, can it decapitate in said blow?
3. Is it easy to handle?
4. Is it light?
5. Is it durable?

Questions 3, 4, and 5 will have to depend on your present location. Questions 1 and 2 are essential!

In the next volume I shall cover power tools, slings/arrows and firearms.

Battle Royale is Japanese thriller about a group of 42 high school students who are placed on a deserted tropical island to take part in a Military exercise – force the students to kill one other and see who can make it out alive. The last remaining student is free to leave. The government and (oddly) the parents of each student give permission for this exercise. Each student has a collar put around his/her neck which monitors their pulse and their geographical position on the island. They are all given a specific weapon or tool; ranging from machetes, guns and compasses to grenades, cooking pans and binoculars in order to hunt down and kill their classmates. 41 out of the 42 students must die before a specific time or else all the collars around the remaining students’ necks will explode. The island has no airport, there are no boats apart from 4 at the north, south, east and west sides that are owned by the government and will shoot anyone trying to swim to safety and there are no telephones so the students cannot call for help. In short, there is no escape.

The story follows Shuya Nanahara (one of the 42 students) as he experiences his best friends brutally murdering each other, the horror that is the Japanese government and the sudden urge to make important decisions in his life, mainly – telling a girl how he feels.

The book was criticised as violent exploitation when it was first published in Japan in 1999 due to it’s horrifically violent content. The deaths/murders of each student are described in inconsiderable detail. However it went on to become a runaway bestseller. It was later translated into English in 2003.

Here’s an example of such gratuitous detail:

Kazushi swung his nunchucks again. She dodged them by bending back – but the nunchucks followed her instead. Perhaps he’d gotten used to them. This time Kazushi managed to extend his reach.

She felt a sharp thud against the left side of her head.

She began to sway. A warm liquid came flowing from her left nostril.She was on the verge of falling. Kazushi must have looked like he was sure he’d won.

Still swaying, Takako’s pretty, sharply curved eyes squinted. As she fell, she stretched out her long legs and with her might kicked Kazushi’s left knee from the right side. Kazushi let out a painful moan and fell on his left knee. His body floundered and rotated halfway on his knee. Now she saw his back.

Had she tried to take the ice pick, Takako might have lost. But that wasn’t what she did. She leaped onto Kazushi’s back. She clutched onto his head as if riding on his shoulders. Her weight forced him to fall forward.

If a thought occurred to her it was in choosing which fingers she should use. Her index and middle…no…the strongest combination would be her middle finger and thumb. And…Takako had always taken good care of her nails. No matter how many times her team coach Mr. Tada scolded her about them she refused to shorten her nails.

Hanging onto Kazushi, Takako grabbed hold of his hair and tanked his head back. She could tell where they were.

Kazushi must have suddenly realized her intentions. She saw him shut his eyes. It was useless though. Takako’s right middle finger and thumb tore through his eyelids and dug into his eye sockets.

“AIEEEEEEEEEEE!”

Kazushi screamed. He fell on his arms, got up on his knees, dropped his nunchucks, and tried to brush off her hands. His body moved frantically as she tried to get rid of her.

Takako held tightly onto Kazushi and refused to let go. She pushed her fingers in further. Her thumb and middle finger dug in up to their second joints. As she dug in she felt something pop and realized it was his eyeballs. She didn’t expect eye sockets to be this small. Takako didn’t hesitate to bend her sharp fingers inward. Blood and semi-transparent slimy liquid came oozing down his cheeks like weird tears.

“ARRRRGH,” Kazushi cried as he got up and swung his arms around frantically. He tried to pry her right hand loose from his head with both of his hands and pulled at Takako’s hair. Takako leaped off Kazushi, who ended up with what felt like several strands or even a bundle of hair. Well, she couldn’t be worried about that now. She looked for her ice pick and found it. She snatched it up.

Kazushi moaned and swung his arms at the (literally) unseen enemy.Then he fell back on his rear end. His eyes were open, but his eyes were completely immersed in a sea of red. He resembled an albino monkey now. Takako dragged her right leg and limped toward him. She lifted her wounded right leg and stomped down onto his unprotected crotch. The purple striped white track sneaker was not red, soaked with Takako’s own blood. Underneath its sole she felt a squashing sensation as if she were crushing a rodent. “URGH,” Kazushi moaned. He held his crotch and turned on his side, balled up like a fetus. Now Takako began stepping on his throat with her left leg. She put her weight on it. Kazushi reached out, trying to move her foot, hitting it feebly, trying to free himself.

“Hel…” Kazushi uttered. It sounded like a tiny draft of air because his throat had been crushed.

“Help…”
Yeah right, Takako thought. She could tell her mouth was breaking into a grin. She realized she wasn’t angry anymore. She was actually enjoying this. She was sure about it. So what? She never claimed to be Pope John Paul II or the 14 Dalai Lama.

On her knees now, she thrust the ice pick into his mouth (she saw several cavity fillings). His arms which were struggling to pull at her leg suddenly froze. Takako pushed further. It sunk into his throat without much resistance. Kazushi’s entire body, from his chest down to his toes, then went into convulsions as if swimming the submariner. Then it stopped. The albino eyes still remained open, surrounded by a spider’s web patter of gooey blood like running paint.

She felt a sudden surge of pain in her right leg and fell on her back by his head. She was panting now the way she did after doing the 200-metre dash twice for physical tests. She’d won. But she also felt empty. The actual fight might have lasted less than thirty seconds. She wouldn’t have survived a longer fight. In any case…she won. That’s what mattered.

Takako held her blood-soaked right leg as she looked down at the corpse of Kazushi, who resembled a travelling magician attempting to spit out an ice pick from his throat. Now ladies and gentlemen, I shall spit out what I just swallowed…

See what I mean? It even has a subtle sense of humour about it all, not exactly taking itself seriously at times. But that passage isn’t even close to the level of violence that Battle Royale raises to.

The book was later made into a film in the year 2000. It deviated heavily from the book; changing certain characters’ backstories, their location on the island, the weapon they used, how they died, even the bloody island itself. All pointless changes that didn’t need to be made. It’s still a good film though and a good alternative to those who don’t want to read 616 pages.

One of the opening shots of the film: The last remaining survivor to the Battle Royale prior to the one depicted in the book.

The film wasn’t particularly well-made, even though it had a ¥3,110,000,000 budget (approx. $37,000,000). But it was ten years ago (almost 11 now) and times have changed since then.

No, seriously. This happens.

The acting wasn’t great, some of the plot points were over-exaggerated or not explained well enough and the subtitles for foreign releases looked like they were written by blind Yak with a keyboard strapped to its feet. It did however have an excellent soundtrack, a deeper look into the character of Shuya and more bullet-ridden corpses than a Quentin Tarantino script.

One of my favourite posters, ever.

The film is in fact Quentin Tarantino’s favourite film since he became a director in 1992. There at talks of an American remake, but as of right now nobody has bought the rights for it. When/if someone does, I would love for Quentin Tarantino to direct it. As would he.

There are several Manga’s based on the book…

and also a sequel to the film…

It was shit.

Battle Royale is my favourite Japanese film, of any genre, and also my favourite book. I hold both very dear to my heart, especially the book. It would tear me apart if a remake was ever made and it too was shit.

Oh dear God... I'm doomed.

I loved the first film. It was subtle, dark, claustrophobic, suspenseful and really well made considering the somewhat limited budget. The second film was also really good, branching out into more open environments with a cold-blue look to it. However, the franchise took a blow to the kneecaps with the third film. It didn’t really feel like a Resident Evil film, just your generic zombie film full of clichés. And Alice turned into a Jedi, what the Hell was that all about?

But here we are with the release of the fourth instalment, Afterlife. It’s action-packed, it’s over the top and it’s completely in your face.

First off, as Ray_squared stated in his blog post, the film starts out slow. But not for the first 5-10 minutes. More like the first 2 minutes. There’s actually a very fun action scene around the 3 minute mark that introduces the film perfectly. And starting a film slowly isn’t always necessarily a bad thing. Especially if it’s the fourth part of a franchise. The audience is already familiar with the premise and consequently doesn’t want to see things getting blown up within the first 30 seconds. Unless they’re fucked in the head.

The main cast consists of Milla Jovovich as Alice and 3 characters from the video games – Ali Larter as Claire Redfield, Wentworth Miller as Chris Redfield and Shawn Roberts as Albert Wesker.

Jovovich does a great job as Alice, as usual. All the Jovovich trademarks are there: the gravely voice, the inviting eyes and the sheer amount of badassery as she subdues her foes with ease. Larter also does a fine job as Claire Redfield, but furthermore gets to do a lot more stunts than she did in the third film. And they really pay off.

Finally, Roberts is a fantastic Albert Wesker. Jason O’Mara was great in the third film, but he didn’t really do a lot. Roberts however has a very big fight scene with Claire and Chris Redfield that completely took my breath away, especially with it being in 3D. As Ray_squared mentioned several times, this fight scene is the best scene in the film.

One of my only problems with the film is contained rather neatly within one man – Wentworth Miller. He’s a good actor, but I just can’t see him as Chris Redfield. He doesn’t look that much like him, his hairstyle’s all wrong, his head is bigger than his biceps when it should be the other way around and he’s barely in the film apart from the Wesker fight scene. This is just my opinion and I’m sure some people will love him as Chris Redfield, but he just doesn’t do it for me.

According to Ray_squared, the supporting cast are there merely to fill up space. And in a way, he’s right. But one or two of them do have an extra layer of depth than the others. One of them is even slightly significant to the plot. But only slightly. So don’t expect to see that many of them in the next film, just expect to see the majority of them get killed one by one by flesh-eating zombies. Yum.

I was shocked when I read Ray_squared’s blog post to learn that there were barely any zombies in the film. And now that I have seen it, I can honestly say that he was more or less right. There’s one scene where Alice owns a couple of them and a fight scene between Alice/Claire and The Executioner from Resident Evil 5, but that’s basically it. Although, both of these scenes look amazing in 3D. So it’s not all bad.

The film didn’t feel short to me, in fact it felt like the perfect length; exactly the same as all the other films give or take a few minutes. The pacing was good, the action scenes were fantastic, the acting was solid and the 3D was the best I have ever seen. But my other problem is the ending. It’s somewhat… erm, abrupt. I was sitting there thinking, “Please don’t end, please don’t end, please don’t end, please don’t end…”. And then it did. On one of the biggest cliffhangers imaginable.

There’s a few inconsistencies to be found, e.g. where did The Executioner and the Las Plagas infected come from when they weren’t even mentioned in the other three films?, what are the chances that Claire and Chris Redfield find each other in the middle of a zombie apocalypse at the exact same time?, why was Wesker defeated so easily?, etc. But overall the film was brilliant. Paul W.S. Anderson has not disappointed and assembled a well written, produced, directed, performed, edited, even marketed addition to the Resident Evil franchise. Even if it is a little silly, OTT and in your face.

PS. Wait until after the cast list at the end for a small cameo and a hint of a sequel.

I feel your pain.

Why the Hell are Warner Bros. commissioning this? Why ruin people’s childhood memories?

Here’s something just as bad:

I’m actually at a loss for words right now. I mean just look at the cast lists for these films.

They’re awful.

PS. The ingrowing toenail still hurts, like anyone cares.

(Couldn’t find an intro video, but I found the theme song)

The nonsensical adventures of a chihuahua and a Manx cat inspired by the Golden Age of American animation, e.g. Tex Avery and Bob Clampett.

I really don’t remember that much about this cartoon as it was made slightly before my time. But I do remember that it was surreal, violent and dirty, and that I loved it.

##~~ Top Cat – 1961-1962 ~~##

God I miss this cartoon. All these alley cats wanted was to cheat people into giving them food, money and a better life. But instead they got their show cancelled within 7 months, having only aired 30 episodes, and never got a revival series like others cartoons of the time (The Jetsons, Jonny Quest) did.

##~~ Pinky & The Brain – 1995-2001 ~~##

Originally a series of sketches inbetween episodes of Animaniacs, laboratory mice Pinky and Brain are hell-bent on dominating the world overnight. Well, Brain was. Pinky just tagged along and didn’t really care what they did, as long as they were having fun.

Why didn’t this cartoon get revived? Or get a straight to VHS/DVD feature film? It was so good due to it having the same charm as Animaniacs and Tiny Toon Adventures. But hey, I guess the world can only take so much amounts of awesome that it has to stop eventually. Damn you, World.

##~~ Cubix 2001-2003 ~~##

The adventures of a boy and his robot in the year 2044 where robots are for everyone.

I actually had no idea that this cartoon was made in South Korea. I guess my childhood mind didn’t realise that none of the character’s lips matched what they were saying and that their voices were horrifically dubbed into English.

##~~ Spider-Man – 1994-1998 ~~##

Every generation has their Spider-Man cartoons. This one was mine, and it rocked my 5-year-old socks off.

##~~ Sylvester & Tweety Mysteries – 1995-2002 ~~##

Imagine Scooby-Doo but with Sylvester, Tweety, Hector and Granny. It lasted quite a while thanks to it having the same classic writing, animation and voice acting as the original Looney Tunes had and unfortunately came to an end along with all the other Looney Tunes spin-offs.

Speaking of Scooby-Doo…

##~~ Scooby-Doo, Where Are You! – 1969-1970 ~~##

How could I forget this gem from Hanna-Barbera? The cartoon that started Scooby-Doo’s legacy, spawning countless spin-offs and two live-action films. Yes, Scooby-Doo was magnificent back in the day. In recent years he’s had a few good hits but none really held a torch to the original series.

##~~ Tom & Jerry – 1940-1958 ~~##

Where do I begin?

Slapstick comedy revolving around a cat and a mouse as they do battle in terrorising each other in the funniest ways possible. An absolute classic.

Just don’t mention those God-awful films…

##~~ Looney Tunes – 1930-1969 ~~##

Oh. My God. WHERE DO I BEGIN? In fact, I don’t think I can…

Well, basically, Looney Tunes are the best cartoons ever created by the human race and none shall ever top them. They’ve inspired so many great cartoons since their creation and are still going strong today even though they’re no longer being made. Now that really is something special.

There was just something about this cartoon that made me smile. I don’t know whether it was the lyrics to the theme song, the colourful animation, Taz’s crazy family or just Taz himself, but it made me smile. And laugh myself silly.

##~~ Tiny Toon Adventures – 1990-1995 ~~##

From the creators of Animaniacs, only 3 years earlier. Inspired by the original Looney Tunes, Tiny Toon Adventures was set in a “looniversity” where cute and adorable little fury animals learnt how to become child entertainers.

The show shared the same amount of charm and finesse as Animaniacs as well as many of the same voice actors. Not a lot of people remember it as Animaniacs did a lot better, but Tiny Toon Adventures should be watched and enjoyed by everyone. Especially Animaniacs fans.

##~~ Dexter’s Laboratory – 1996-2003 ~~##

A boy genius who has a secret laboratory in his bedroom, who’s older sister (who always manages to get in, somehow) is constantly destroying his creations.

Sure, this wasn’t the most realistic of cartoons. There’s absolutely no way a laboratory of that scale would fit inside such a small bedroom, but who the Hell cares? It’s a cartoon! A very funny, well written and rather clever cartoon and I miss it terribly.

##~~ 2 Stupid Dogs – 1993-1995 ~~##

One of Hanna-Barbera’s classics. I don’t remember that much about it as I was under the age of 5, but I do remember the 2 dogs spending probably 2-3 minutes arguing over who was going to chew a old toilet they’d found in an alley way. Then in another episode, they met up with Little Red Riding Hood in a slightly different version of the children’s fairytale of the same name. How… random…

##~~ Courage the Cowardly Dog – 1999-2002 ~~##

I have never seen another cartoon like this one. Wikipedia lists it as a Black Comedy, Comic Science fiction and Horror.

A cowardly dog, ironically named Courage, is found by an elderly couple living in the middle of Nowhere. That’s with a capital “N” as the place in which they live is literally called “Nowhere”.

Every now and then, strange things happened in Nowhere. It was attacked by a zombified movie director, a psychotic fox wearing sunglasses, an even more psychotic red cat, an evil queen living in a puddle and a barber who’s obsessed with his job. Seriously, the writers must have been on Crystal Meth or something.

##~~ I Am Weasel ~~##

Originally a series of sketches inbetween episodes of Cow & Chicken, later a full on spin-off, the stories of a Weasel and a Baboon living in possibly the craziest worlds ever portrayed in a cartoon. I honestly cannot describe a thing about the show, except that it was a somewhat twisted and sometimes dark take on the “Pop Goes the Weasel” nursery rhyme.

##~~ Jackie Chan Adventures – 2000-2005 ~~##

Like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, this aired on Fox Kids. But it still deserves a mention.

The adventures of Jackie Chan living in Chinatown, San Francisco with his niece Jade and his uncle, erm… “Uncle”. I believe that’s all they called him.

The character of Jackie Chan was of course based on the martial artist/actor Jackie Chan and was also voiced by him. In the show however, he was also an archaeologist; and with the help of his uncle and niece he saved the world from evil forces by preventing them from obtaining certain ancient artefacts. Artefacts ranging from talismans with magical powers, portals to demon dimensions and Oni masks that summon the evil warriors – “The Shadowkhan” – who were awesome, by the way.

The final volume will arrive soon.

Does the woman look familiar?

Yep, Carla Espinosa from Scrubs

Judy’s character disappeared along with the show once it came to and end after its 8th series and did not appear in the “9th series” spin-off. She was pregnant with her first child and so couldn’t reprise her role as Carla. Good job too, because that show was terrible without the whole original cast reprising their roles. Thank God it got cancelled after 13 episodes, in fact I’m surprised it managed to get that many.

Anyway, it’s good to see such a talented actress back on our screens. Even if it is just a crazy yet easily forgettable character in an otherwise average crime drama.