I was dragged along to see this remake the other day with two of my friends, who I hadn’t seen for a while so I couldn’t really say no, and I was already dreading it before it had even begun. Namely because the words “Michael” and “Bay” had appeared on the screen. He wasn’t the director, thank God, but I was assuming he’d be just as bad as a producer. Luckily, this rant is not about Michael Bay. This rant is about how hilarious this remake is.
The film started off well with some clever transitions between a character’s dreams and the reality around him. Then I saw Freddy Krueger’s face – he looks like a burn victim, which I do not remember from the original film. Although it turned out that he was a burn victim after some angry parents had set fire to him for abusing their children at a local primary school (again, not in the original), it didn’t change the fact that he looked ridiculous.
Not only did he look ridiculous, but his mannerisms were absurd and somewhat comical.
*SPOILERS*
For example, he kills a dog that belongs to one of the characters. When they discover the dog’s body with Freddy standing over it, his finger blades dripping with blood, Freddy says in a very deep and raspy voice, “I was just petting him.” Later on in the film, Freddy is chasing one of the characters down a narrow corridor which for some reason has its floor transformed into a thick, gooey pool of blood. As they struggle to stay above the surface Freddy says, “How’s this for a wet dream?” By this stage, I was giggling like a schoolgirl on acid.
Not only is Freddy amusing, the constant jump-scenes are cheesy and predictable, the blood is far too over the top and the scenes that are taken from the original are damn near identical. For example; the scene where Freddy sends a helpless girl flying through the air before brutally butchering her on her bed, is clearly done using wires. Watching her bounce of the walls felt like watching Son Of The Mask or Flubber.
Then there’s a scene where one of the characters finds a blog with webcam recordings of someone who is also haunted by Freddy talking about his dreams, when he suddenly falls asleep, lunges forwards and smashes the camera. I literally jumped out of my seat with laughter. I was expecting to see his throat get cut or his head explode, but instead I got a cheap jump-scene that didn’t make sense once it was over – how was the recording uploaded to his blog if he broke the camera and was killed?
*END OF SPOILERS*
Personally I think Samuel Bayer, the director, should stick to the music video industry. This remake doesn’t really provide much hope for him as a film director as it doesn’t give the original any justice. And the writers, Wesley Strick and Eric Heisserer, should be ashamed of themselves. Because I’m sure Wes Craven, the creator of the original franchise, is.
(grow up)
