The UK General Election

As a British citizen (a proper one, not an immigrant with a British passport), I suppose I’m going to have to state my views on the General Election. So here goes:

Gordon Brown (right, pink tie): Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, and he’s already proven that he can’t do that job properly. So why would I want to vote for him? It’d be like the Americans electing George W. Bush twice. Do we really want a paunchy, cantankerous half-unperceiving Scot running our country?

David Cameron (middle, blue tie): What a bone-idle cretin. He airbrushes his posters more than Hello! magazine airbrushes Paris Hilton and merely reverses everything Gordon Brown says or does. Plus, he has a face like a smacked arse you can’t trust anyone who’s middle name is Donald.

Nick Clegg (left, yellow… gold… what is that?… tie): I am incredibly bemused that people think this slimy two-faced salesman could run a bus let alone a country. He refuses to meet with Foreign Leaders, abstains from political polls, is practically invisible within Parliament and never seems to shut up about being from Sheffield.

As you have probably already guessed, I will not be voting in the General Election. Why? Because it won’t make any difference if I did. My opinion, and noone else’s, matters to these people. They’ll no doubt rig the vote and none of the candidates will follow through with their policies anyway.
To be quite honest with you, I’m finding that story about the Wii Balance Board turning a woman into a sex addict more interesting.

The UK has become a blanket of snow

It’s finally happened, the UK has got some snow. And I mean proper snow. So much that the news claims that it’s the most snow the UK has had in 30 years. Hundreds of schools and work places across the country have been closed and it is complete chaos on the roads. But y’know what? I’m loving it! Yes, I may have just turned 18. But I still love snow, there’s nothing wrong with that.

One headline on the news yesterday made me chuckle – “Luton airport flights diverted to France”. Now I’m not sure if that means that flights coming into Luton airport have had to land in France, but if they have… *bursts into tears of laughter* Is there a more depressing sentence?

Do you like monkeys? Who doesn’t!

Baboons at Knowsley Safari Park try to keep warm with hot potatoes.

“There’s Probably No God”

Don’t worry, I’m not gonna get into a huge rant about how God doesn’t exist. You all just need to accept that fact for yourselves.
Anyway, a campaign led by atheists in London are displaying this ad on the side buses:

It’s unclear as to what these ads will achieve. Perhaps they’ll make a man think twice before blowing themselves up on the top deck.

Personally I think this ad should have been put on bendy buses, because those do move in mysterious ways…

2010 Olympic medals to be made from old circuit boards

We live in an age where recycling is mandatory. We’re forced to put paper in one bin, glass in another, cardboard in – I wanna throw my rubbish away, not file it!

Anyway, yeah, the 2010 Olympic medals are to be made from recycled circuit boards. Personally I think that’s a waste of time and effort. I know that it’s good to recycle, but at least recycle stuff into something that’s actually going to be used more than once. These medals are gonna be given to the winners, flashed about for a bit and then put on a mantlepiece or a display case. What use is that? Other circuit boards are recycled into mouse mats and table coasters, now that’s useful. That is what’s gonna be be used more than once. That’s what’s gonna be used frequently.

But an Olympic Gold medal? Yeah right!

Maybe sometime in the future the Olympics will develop robots that can take part in the events, that way Great Britain could actually fucking win something!

The threat of terrorism in the North

Remember the London bombings? Why hasn’t the North of England had anything like that? Because there isn’t anything up North worth bombing, and that’s why it’s a better place to live.

I love living in the North, because sod all dangerous happens. I got on a train in London and the tannoy system said, “Beware of unattended packages!” Later that month I got on a train in Sheffield and the tannoy system said (I genuinely heard this), “Oi, don’t feed the pigeons!” I almost laughed myself sick, put my breadcrumbs away and went to find a seat.

While I’m at it, I have a proposition for you. While the 2012 Olympics are underway, crime in London will go through the roof. What’s left of it anyway – a small, blue sheet of tarpaulin held together with chewing gum. Hell, there may even be another bombing, or a full-blown terrorist attack.

Now, I know that it’d be horrible if that actually happened. But if it does then I just want you to know that I fucking called it!

The 2012 London Olympics

Looking forward to it? Well you shouldn’t be. We all know that it’s going to be shit. Think about it. The Millennium Dome was shit, Wembley Arena was shit, I could go on. Of all the places to hold the Olympic Games, why London? The place is so damn rough, the runners for the 100 metres aren’t going to know which gunshot was the starting pistol.

But I guess it could be quite enjoyable; to see the crowd fail a drugs test as well as the contributors, or to see the Olympic Torch being lit from a smouldering Ford Focus.

And on a side note, just remember that the only reason London is holding the Olympic Games in 2012 is because the other choice of country to hold it was Paris, the capital of France.

Britain: “Oh no, we’re not interested in holding the Olympic Games… What? France is getting it!? Fuck that! We’ll do it!”